My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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