i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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