Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
