Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize