my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
