Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
