i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
