so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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