I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize