I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
We're not piercing ourselves today.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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