Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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