I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
