smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
