I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
