What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
