She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I want a musical about memes.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
