the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Randomize
