I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
You're like the curious george of whores
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Randomize
