So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
