i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
We have so much sex to catch up on
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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