So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
