I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
