Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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