I met the friendliest cop last night
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
