I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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