im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
