So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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