Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
