Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
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