oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
