woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
