made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
