he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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