i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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