i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I wish you could order shots online.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
