I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
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