woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
