I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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