the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
