Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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