i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
