I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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