I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
