i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
