Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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