Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
not ubering you a puppy
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
