I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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