New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
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