Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
