anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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