Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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