My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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