pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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