saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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