Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
