Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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