I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize