I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
He shit in the fireplace
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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